Flatulencia – NO KIDDING
March 30, 2008
I take no responsiblity for the story posted below. It comes straight from the brain of my husband Mark. I am only sharing this due to it’s popularity and demand from those who heard it first hand on the bus to Rome. May you to enjoy his humor!
The Story of Flatulencia
Every day on the bus our tour guide (Millie) gave a detailed history before we visited each town. After a while, the descriptions started running together so Mark asked Millie if he could give a description of a town of his choice to change things up a bit. As Mark took the microphone in front of the bus, he described (while impersonating Millie complete with her Italian accent) a town that clearly came from his deranged mind. The following is a partial transcript of what he shared with our tour group.
“Bon Jovi!
You remember the other day we learned about the Fava Bean? Yes? Well this has nothing to do with that. We are considering adding a new stop to our itinerary and I want your opinion. There is a village that is known as the olive pit of Italy—Flatulencia. Do you understand? It means village with green cloud. The village was founded by a small group of travelers that became hopelessly lost while trying to reach Rome. They foraged for food, eating whatever they could find in the forest, and were overcome with terrible indigestion. The women, in their desperation, set out to find a hill, with a good stiff breeze, upon which to camp. You understand? This was the origin of Flatulencia.
Now, some passed gas—excusa, past facts about this village. The first crop they cultivated was the Fava bean. Over the next century they also cultivated many other varieties of beans. If one could go back in time, one could observe a faint green cloud that hovered continuously over Flatulencia. A group of lost cows noticed this cloud and they followed their noses to Flatulencia. The cattle made cow pies. But the main diet of Flatulencians consisted of beans, sausage, cheese and crude pancakes. Within a few years, Flatulencia was responsible for 25% of the world’s methane production.
Now there were a few famous men from Flatulencia. One remarkable man, Gasolota, expressed himself abundantly and often—so much so that the green cloud above Flatulencia became well defined. He had a younger brother Momma Moona named Wassamatterwichu who had ability but lacked the range, depth and—how you say?—intensity of his older brother. The brothers also had a baby sister they loved so much they stayed by her side night and day. Her name was…well it doesn’t really matter, she did not live to see her second birthday for obvious reasons. Then there was the Italian Lover Don Alooka’me.
Historians agree the origins of the Vulgar Language found its roots in Flatulencia although the earliest expressions of this language did not emanate from the mouth. Do you understand? Now, while we all have an instinctive ability to express ourselves in this langouage, males between the ages of 2 and approximately 117 are particularly adept. Perhaps the ladies on the bus would like the men to extemporaneously express themselves in this ancient vulgar language, no? Yes, you do not want this or no you do? We move on then.
There was no formal religion in this village, probably because in the 14 centuries of its existence there was never a visit from the Pope. Nor was a visit paid by a cardinal, bishop, priest, or anyone. Still, we can observe the ruins of a church that was used to worship the bean.
Here is an example of an early work of poetry…
There once was Italian named Bart
Who loved beans with all of his heart
He ate all he could
And said, “that was good!”
Then proceeded to expel a…
Farto the North of the village was the amphitheater. It was quite small. At any given time there were no more than 5 musicians in the village. The number of seats in this arena, if you include seats for the musicians was….5. Still, several memorable compositions have made lasting impressions, such as Noxious Nocturnal, Duet for Two Tooters and (this does not translate perfectly) Sad Nose.
Several other villages developed around Flatulencia such as Bologna, Salamya and Pastramya. While these villages coexisted peacefully, there were two instances of aggression that should be mentioned. The first involved a small group of German soldiers that became lost when they were separated from their company. Fortunately for them they were responsible for rations and as such had enough Sauerkraut, Bratwurst and Bier for 250 men. When they stumbled upon Flatulencia they attempted to overtake it and the battle was overwhelming but Flatulencia held their village. A small village named Anticido (from which the word antacid comes) considered Flatulencia a natural enemy and decided one summer to attack. This particular summer was the greatest bean harvest ever and Gasolota assumed a leadership role in the defense of the village. As the Anticido soldiers approached Flatulencia, Gasolota closed his eyes, relaxed all of his muscles, and a miraculous green mushroom cloud surfaced over the village driving the Aniticidians away.
When Gasolota passed, his remains were buried in two separate locations. His ashes were buried under the town center, Piazza del Smell. His essence was tightly sealed in a vile and taken to an unknown location as far away as possible. With his passing, the once prominent green cloud began to fade until recently, yesterday at 4:37 PM, it disappeared completely. Famous American, Al Gore, (recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize for saving our planet from methane and CO2) declared a victory for mother Earth and an international holiday. Even with the dissipation of the green cloud, if you visit Flatulencia breathe deeply. You can still catch a whiff of its past glory. The olive pit of Italy known as Flatulencia!
So do you think we should add this stop to our tour? Yes we should not or no we should?
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